Let’s Talk about Body dysmorphia

Hi guys, ive chosen to write about this topic because its something that’s really pressing on my at the moment and I’m really struggling with it.

So, if you didn’t know, body dysmorphia is a mental illness that makes a person spend most of their time worrying about any flaws in their appearance, most commonly their weight.  People with this condition will spend lengths of time in front of the mirror picking at themselves, comparing themselves to others, putting a lot of effort into hiding said ‘flaws’ like wearing baggy clothes or lots of makeup. BD is also commonly linked to depression and in extreme cases self harm and/or suicide.

For me, I spend a LOT of time worrying about my weight, some days I’ll wake up feeling super toned and skinny…which i definitely am not, and others i feel incredibly large. Much larger than i wish to be. This makes my day-to-day life so hard because i spend the whole time worrying about what i look like to other people, and when im not worrying about that i just generally don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel disgusting. I also have depression and anxiety amongst others but these 3 do not mix well together. Another major issue is that i find myself getting so angry and upset with the people close to me because i dont see myself the way they do so to me, they’re all lying. It’s a struggle.

But I just basically wanted to say that BD is real, and people well and truly struggle with it but that’s okay, you can get help!

I’m also always here to talk to anyone that needs to just express themselves.

Stay Strong everyone!!

sIncerely,

S x

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Depression, Stress,Anxiety and A possible eating disorder? Lets talk.

*possible triggering content, please do not read if you’re vulnerable to triggers*
So i know i don’t post as regularly as i should and trust me that makes me feel BAD but i work a lot and when i’m not working i just like to chill…plus the fact that i struggle to actually think of blog content that people might actually want to read. Anyways we’re about to get REAL. No statistical facts, no stereotypical views. Just real life experiences from my life with depression anxiety and all the rest.
Lets start with the big D, calm your filthy minds, I’m talking about depression. Yes i know I’ve already done 2 posts about it, how dare I, but its something that isn’t spoken about enough so here i am talking about it a little more. Let’s start with the basics, depression is not feeling sad because you broke a nail, it’s not being upset because your pet passed away. In fact, those of us that are depressed don’t really feel all that sad at all. I feel numb, an awful sensation of nothingness flowing through my veins, i stare off without realising and then struggle to actually refocus. I feel like everyone around me is moving fast and i’m stuck, not moving at all. It’s easy to smile through this and pretend things are OK, i’m getting good at that now. Then there’s the struggle of actually pursuing the day, getting out of bed, washing, getting dressed can seem like a marathon that isn’t worth running. Some days everything is easy, i can feel again then others days its a fast and hard crash. I feel nothing, but i want to feel something and at the lowest point that’s when i hurt myself. To feel. I won’t go into detail but just know that those of us that have self harmed for reasons other than to gain attention, we feel nothing but guilt after, so we don’t need you to add to that. I believe i have something more than depression, i can be hyper emotional and become overwhelmed with too many emotions and it becomes a real struggle to function. Thankfully i haven’t experienced that lately, i’m in a great place with great, supportive people around me. I’m Ok, in my sense of the words.
Next is stress, i think some people don’t realise that stress can make you ill, it can make you sick, give you headaches and just knock your immune system down. You have to learn what your calming technique is, whether its taking a walk, taking a break from social media, reading a book or doing yoga. TAKE A BREAK. Nothing in this world is worth deteriorating your health for. I’ve had literal mental breakdowns from stress and it’s really not nice. You cant sleep, eat or chill because all you can think about is the thing your stressing about and it drives you insane. So believe me when i say, you need to take that step back.
A is for Anxiety, i’m thankful to say that my anxiety is only mild, but unfortunately its over the smallest, most insignificant things. For example, in my job i have to spend all day talking to customers, answering the phone to people and doing tannoy calls over the shop when i need someone, but when it comes to having to do a tannoy announcement that’s longer than a few words like i’m used to, i physically can not do it, i freeze up and feel like i’m about to throw up. Or when i need to make a phone else where i just cant, it sucks and i wish my brain didn’t work the way it does but don’t we all? Then there’s cooking, i cant bring myself to cook when there’s other people around me other than my mum, weird right? So when my boyfriend is over i just wont eat unless he decides to cook, and i house share so if the others are around i just wont do it, my brain wont let me. I know there’s people out there with much worse conditions of anxiety than me and i know its easier said than done but what i found helps me best is to just force myself to do it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t but you don’t know until you try and you feel so much better if it does work.
Now for the self diagnosed possibility of an eating disorder. I’m not encouraging people to google search there symptoms and diagnose themselves but having previously been on the very edge of one, i know the signs and they’re flashing at me. Now i don’t know if i have body dismorphic disorder, an eating disorder, both or nothing but i’m just gunna share my story. I’ve always been obsessed with my figure and my weight and i had a lot of ‘puppy’ fat when i was younger but i believe this to be the route of my depression, i got to a stage where the only meal i ate was dinner and it wasn’t a big plate. I became skinny, i was happy with myself but i wasn’t healthy, i had blackouts i was underweight and i turned down food i knew would make me gain weight. I was borderline anorexic. I then slowly ate more, gained weight, got to a healthy weight and then started to go past that stage and ended up in the same position as i was in before i lost all the weight. Unhappy, disgusted by myself and looking at food and only seeing ‘i’m gunna make you fat’. That’s where i am now, I can’t bare to see myself in the mirror, i have to either not look or cover them up. I wont wear t-shirts in public, only baggy jumpers regardless of the weather and temperature, because they show my arms and my figure too much. I wont take food because i feel guilty after eating but then sometimes i’ll binge eat crap and feel bad about it later on. Its really hard for me to explain to people just how upset it makes me and how tiring it actually is to feel like this. It’s so emotionally draining. I don’t even know if the way i see myself is actually how i am anymore because sometimes i see myself and a walking dumpling and others as a victoria’s secret model. Its a battle i have with myself everyday and i’m losing. I pray that no one has to go through these feelings but sadly i know that there’s many who do.

Please seek help, and if you’re not the one struggling then keep an eye out for those around you. Some of us are really good at pretending we’re okay.
I’ve started a fundraiser for a young suicide prevention organisation if anyone wants to get involved. I’ll post the link below 🙂

Sincerely, S x

Let’s Talk: Mental Health 0.2 Getting Through Your Day with Depression

I’m not saying the things I mention will cure your depression, I’m not a doctor and depression is never that simple. I’m not even saying these things will work for everyone. Everybody works differently. I’m just suggesting ways to make living with it just that little bit easier for you, and hopefully, if what i do suggest doesn’t work, you can come up with something that will by using my examples. It’s important to remember that you are not your depression. You are you, the depression is just an unwanted roommate that only your mind can get rid of. So, to live alongside this unwanted roomie of yours until they disappear for good you should find and do things that ease the experience.

One way of doing this is finding your vice. No, i don’t mean smoking, alcohol, or drugs. With a fragile mind these can lead you down a dark path and we really don’t want that. Also, as easy as it is for me to say it, please please please avoid self harming. This isn’t a vice. It’s a way of punishing yourself when you have no reason to. I know, I’ve been there. Having so many emotions bottled up that that’s the only way you can think of expressing them, or not being able to feel at all and harming yourself is the one way you can feel something. But this isn’t living with it, or escaping it. It’s giving the depression more power over yourself than you have. You are strong, you are caring and you can get through this. Your body is a temple, don’t destroy it. Worship it.

For me, my vice is listening to music, in headphones, in my own company. It’s one of the very few occasions that I  feel fully and completely happy. I can’t even begin to explain how important music is to me and how so many bands have helped me through the worst times of my life. I also like to draw, having my mind set on just completing the picture is often enough to keep it of the numbing thoughts. Unfortunately though, it requires motivation and time and I often have one without the other. So finding a hobby that you enjoy will really help, it could be walking, hiking, swimming, doing some photography in your spare time, blogging like me, or something artsy. Whatever suits you best but the worst thing for you to do when you have free time to sit around doing nothing, as much as everyone needs to relax from time to time, sitting with just your thoughts isn’t good for anyone.

Another idea would be to see friends as often as possible, don’t push people away, don’t distance yourself. They’ll be there when you need them and having a good time is more than enough to keep your mind off of other things. Plus, knowing they are enjoying your company makes you feel wanted and confident and just overall happy.

Now the boring but vital part. If your physical health begins to drop then your mental health will just follow, keep physically healthy and trust me it’ll make a difference. You’ll feel less tired, run down and weak just by making sure you’re well rested. I’m not saying loads of sleep will make you feel completely better but it will stop you feeling worse as a result of tiredness and you’ll have the energy to be able to deal with overwhelming feelings that could happen through out the day. Eating healthy and being more psychically active will help you feel confident in yourself, happy from the endorphins you’ll realise and you’ll feel accomplished from sticking to something. The activity doesn’t have to be a major sport and you don’t have to cut everything out of your diet, just a gentle activity like a small jog, a walk or yoga will do and no eating quite as much junk as you usually would. Whatever you do you should make sure you choose something you enjoy so that you are more likely to stick to it, there’s no point in choosing something you don’t enjoy and forcing your self to do it. Lastly, make sure you LOOK AFTER YOURSELF, this includes all the simple tasks, getting out of bed, showering and keeping up your personal hygiene, staying hydrated, sleeping at good times, eating, staying motivated, these small tasks can improve your mood unexpected amounts.

Sorry for the long post but i  really hope these posts are giving at least one person some help. As always i’m always available to talk to about anything, even if you just want me to listen. My Twitter; @_omgsxph.

P.s There’s this really cute self care App called Aloe Bud and it lets you choose tasks that you want to make sure you do and set reminders for you to do them. It’s helped me a lot and i’ve only had it 3 days! Would definitely recommend 😀

 

Sincerely, S x