Grief

Hey there, I know its been a hella long time, mainly because i WAS planning on starting up youtube, but then my stupid low self-esteem and life got in the way. I still plan to start-up my channel and will be doing so in the next few weeks but for now, here’s a little post of grief.

My nan passed on April 26th this year, completely sudden, no illnesses, no reason to prepare ourselves, nothing. Anyone who knows me, knows that my nan was my absolute idol, I adored her. I was closer to her than anyone else in my family and i loved her so so so dearly. When i found out she had passed i was actually really ill, I’d lost my voice. But boy did i find it again, screaming, crying, trying to comfort my mum down the phone. The worst time of my life so far, easily. I was even the one who had to break it to my brother, who was actually nearly the one who found her dead. Anyone who has lost a close one knows how hard it really is, and of course everyone deals with it differently.

For me, I couldn’t cope, i couldn’t function. Non stop crying and sinking into the worst place i could be mentally but at the same time wanted to stand strong because of my mum and my younger sister. For my brother it meant seeming fine, but taking anger out on things when he was away from us (he’s autistic and has adhd) so the first thing i want to say about grieving is that just because someone seems ok, it really doesn’t mean that they are. I wanted to be around my family for about a week, only left their house to go home and sleep and then i was straight back in the morning, helping plan, helping out where i can. Crying every time i was home.

To cope with these heavy emotions I decided to focus on my uni deadline which was a week after i found out, because she’d want me to do well, i then came up with a summer project to keep myself busy and so i started to paint. I never painted properly before, hated it in school but i found these relatively good skills as i started top paint her favourite bird, Puffins. Keeping my mind busy helped but it didn’t stop the overwhelming tears that came when night fell. I think the best advice i could give to someone who’s grieving is to just accept it, accept your feelings, let it out because if you bottle it up it’ll only build and build and then come out in a bad wave later on in life. Talk to people, tell them how you feel, they will validate your feelings and make sure you know it’s ok to feel how you do, stay away from people who don’t do this.

I also designed the funeral order of service for her and for people to take home and keep, this made me feel better because I felt like i was doing one last good thing for her.

There are so many resources and sites you can use as well, there’s always someone there to help with your grieving, reach out. Lastly, don’t let people tell you how to deal with it, not everyone can work through it, not everyone heals by keeping busy, some people need time to let it sink in and heal. Do whats best for you.

-S x

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Paperless Post // Modern e-cards?!

Hi guys, hope everyone is doing well and enjoying the festive season, hopefully no one is getting stressed or anything.

For todays post I have actually partnered up with a company called Paperless Post who have so generously sponsored me. If you haven’t heard of them, Paperless post is a company who enable you to send cards, flyers and invitations via email to family and friends. All you have to do is create an account, choose from a wide variety of designs and edit them to your fancy, you can browse through designers such as Kate Spade and Sugar Paper too! Once you’ve found the base design you like, you then customise the writing, the colours and the envelope before adding it to your basket. Some are free and some require you to spend coins, which are the websites own currency, you pay £3.99 for 10 coins. I was generously given more than enough coins so that I could try it out and write this post. When you add things like envelope lining etc. it can add coins to the total of that card, the final total will be multiplied by the amount of people you send it to. 

Once your card/flyer/invitation is how you want it, you simply go through the steps until you get to the ‘add recipient’ part and enter the emails of those you wish to be sending cards to, then you can select the ones in which the item you just customised will be sent to. What I really like about Paperless Post is that you can preview how it’ll look to the recipient and also the fact that they allow the recipient to reply to your post. I’m not sure if this costs them coins, as I haven’t replied to one myself due to being the sender, but its definitely handy to have if you’re sending out invitations with RSVP.

Now, because we’re in the holiday season I thought the obvious choice for me to try out would be to send some Christmas cards to my family, I always forget to buy actual cards anyways lol. So I went for a Kate Spade design, and customised the colours a little and made it to the kinda style that I would look for if I was to buy a physical card.

Below are screenshots of the process.

As you can see the process is super simple, another plus is that you can track the email and see if it’s been opened or not, how cool?!  I really enjoy the whole concept, its easy to use, inexpensive, you can do it on the go and theres SO much to choose from.I think I’m going to save some of my coins for some other upcoming events and holidays, maybe that way at least I’ll remember to send people cards!

So if you want to check it out for yourself, simple go to https://www.paperlesspost.com/rel=”nofollow” create an account and get customising!

Thank you so much for reading, until the next post! 

-Soph x

What I Got For My 20th Birthday!

disclaimer: this in no way, is me bragging about what I have. I enjoy reading these posts and watching YouTube videos of these and thought, why not? I’m extremely grateful for everything.

Hello anyone reading, today’s post is, well as it says in the title…what I got for my birthday! My birthday was one week ago today on the 25th and I am so grateful for what I got honestly I had such a good few days.

My biggest present was probably the party that my boyfriend and friends planned behind my back, I knew it was happening but I didn’t know any details about it (drove me a little insane because I like to know what’s going on and having a say but it was soo good). It was an American themed bbq with the closest people in my life and from what I can remember it was an Amazing party and everyone had such a good time, I on the other hand did not enjoy the hangover which I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who had. This happened on the Monday after my bf and bff taking me to the cinema to see Mamma Mia 2 (amazing but so sad so take tissues!) which was also an amazing surprise.

Now onto the physical presents, my bf did SO well like I almost cried. I wasn’t expecting what he got me and I was genuinely overwhelmed. First thing I opened was *takes deep breath to stop getting emotional* a pair of black Dr Martens. Now I have wanted this pair for SIX YEARS, forever wanting to buy them on payday but not wanting to spend the money and here they are, on my lap. I hit Con and begged for him to tell me they were on sale and that he hadn’t just spent that much money on me but he couldn’t because they weren’t! Honestly they’re my pride and joy right now and if you know me then you know my fave colour is black too. The second present he got me (like the boots and party wasn’t enough) was a lovely set of marble makeup brushes by Glamher Booth. I tried these out on my birthday and they’re really good! They’re soft but not so soft that they don’t pick up product and they blend really well. I’m excited to keep trying looks with them! I believe you can find these brushes on Beauty Bay.

Dr Martens 8 eyelet patent boots

Glamher Booth Marble Brushes

Glamher Booth Marble Brushes

From my family I got a pair of Remington hair straighteners, money which I bought some GOOD bits with that I’ll leave at the end of this post, and also some of them donated to a charity for me which is what I asked for. Honestly I’m so grateful for everything I’ve been given I never expect anyone to get me anything so when I do get bits it’s amazing and especially when it things I’ve wanted for ages!

Finally, before I show you the things I bought with the money I was given, my boyfriends mum spoilt me and got me a really nice drawing set from Royal and Langnickel and a sketchbook too which I LOVE and can’t wait to get drawing again!

Now for the two things I bought with the money, I purchased the Morphe 30pc master brush set that comes with the belt and honestly I’m OBSESSED, to make it even better it was on sale so I actually got it for cheaper than it should’ve been! I also purchased the Morphe 350M palette, I can’t wait to play around with the colours and create some nice warm looks!

So that’s everything for my birthday, I love absolutely everything I got and I can’t wait to play with it all. A massive thank you to everyone who spoilt me!

Sincerely, S x

Depression, Stress,Anxiety and A possible eating disorder? Lets talk.

*possible triggering content, please do not read if you’re vulnerable to triggers*
So i know i don’t post as regularly as i should and trust me that makes me feel BAD but i work a lot and when i’m not working i just like to chill…plus the fact that i struggle to actually think of blog content that people might actually want to read. Anyways we’re about to get REAL. No statistical facts, no stereotypical views. Just real life experiences from my life with depression anxiety and all the rest.
Lets start with the big D, calm your filthy minds, I’m talking about depression. Yes i know I’ve already done 2 posts about it, how dare I, but its something that isn’t spoken about enough so here i am talking about it a little more. Let’s start with the basics, depression is not feeling sad because you broke a nail, it’s not being upset because your pet passed away. In fact, those of us that are depressed don’t really feel all that sad at all. I feel numb, an awful sensation of nothingness flowing through my veins, i stare off without realising and then struggle to actually refocus. I feel like everyone around me is moving fast and i’m stuck, not moving at all. It’s easy to smile through this and pretend things are OK, i’m getting good at that now. Then there’s the struggle of actually pursuing the day, getting out of bed, washing, getting dressed can seem like a marathon that isn’t worth running. Some days everything is easy, i can feel again then others days its a fast and hard crash. I feel nothing, but i want to feel something and at the lowest point that’s when i hurt myself. To feel. I won’t go into detail but just know that those of us that have self harmed for reasons other than to gain attention, we feel nothing but guilt after, so we don’t need you to add to that. I believe i have something more than depression, i can be hyper emotional and become overwhelmed with too many emotions and it becomes a real struggle to function. Thankfully i haven’t experienced that lately, i’m in a great place with great, supportive people around me. I’m Ok, in my sense of the words.
Next is stress, i think some people don’t realise that stress can make you ill, it can make you sick, give you headaches and just knock your immune system down. You have to learn what your calming technique is, whether its taking a walk, taking a break from social media, reading a book or doing yoga. TAKE A BREAK. Nothing in this world is worth deteriorating your health for. I’ve had literal mental breakdowns from stress and it’s really not nice. You cant sleep, eat or chill because all you can think about is the thing your stressing about and it drives you insane. So believe me when i say, you need to take that step back.
A is for Anxiety, i’m thankful to say that my anxiety is only mild, but unfortunately its over the smallest, most insignificant things. For example, in my job i have to spend all day talking to customers, answering the phone to people and doing tannoy calls over the shop when i need someone, but when it comes to having to do a tannoy announcement that’s longer than a few words like i’m used to, i physically can not do it, i freeze up and feel like i’m about to throw up. Or when i need to make a phone else where i just cant, it sucks and i wish my brain didn’t work the way it does but don’t we all? Then there’s cooking, i cant bring myself to cook when there’s other people around me other than my mum, weird right? So when my boyfriend is over i just wont eat unless he decides to cook, and i house share so if the others are around i just wont do it, my brain wont let me. I know there’s people out there with much worse conditions of anxiety than me and i know its easier said than done but what i found helps me best is to just force myself to do it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t but you don’t know until you try and you feel so much better if it does work.
Now for the self diagnosed possibility of an eating disorder. I’m not encouraging people to google search there symptoms and diagnose themselves but having previously been on the very edge of one, i know the signs and they’re flashing at me. Now i don’t know if i have body dismorphic disorder, an eating disorder, both or nothing but i’m just gunna share my story. I’ve always been obsessed with my figure and my weight and i had a lot of ‘puppy’ fat when i was younger but i believe this to be the route of my depression, i got to a stage where the only meal i ate was dinner and it wasn’t a big plate. I became skinny, i was happy with myself but i wasn’t healthy, i had blackouts i was underweight and i turned down food i knew would make me gain weight. I was borderline anorexic. I then slowly ate more, gained weight, got to a healthy weight and then started to go past that stage and ended up in the same position as i was in before i lost all the weight. Unhappy, disgusted by myself and looking at food and only seeing ‘i’m gunna make you fat’. That’s where i am now, I can’t bare to see myself in the mirror, i have to either not look or cover them up. I wont wear t-shirts in public, only baggy jumpers regardless of the weather and temperature, because they show my arms and my figure too much. I wont take food because i feel guilty after eating but then sometimes i’ll binge eat crap and feel bad about it later on. Its really hard for me to explain to people just how upset it makes me and how tiring it actually is to feel like this. It’s so emotionally draining. I don’t even know if the way i see myself is actually how i am anymore because sometimes i see myself and a walking dumpling and others as a victoria’s secret model. Its a battle i have with myself everyday and i’m losing. I pray that no one has to go through these feelings but sadly i know that there’s many who do.

Please seek help, and if you’re not the one struggling then keep an eye out for those around you. Some of us are really good at pretending we’re okay.
I’ve started a fundraiser for a young suicide prevention organisation if anyone wants to get involved. I’ll post the link below 🙂

Sincerely, S x

Let’s Talk: Toxic Relationships

I know I said once a week I’d do these “lets talks” but I finally have a day off and time to write one so I thought why not!

Toxic relationships are so common which breaks my heart in all honesty. Don’t be fooled and think that they’re just in romantic relationships either, is just as possible to have a toxic friendship and you need to be able to know when you’re in one so you can get out of it.

These types of relationships can be the starter of mental illnesses like depression, borderline personality disorder and anxiety so it’s important to get yourself out and cut the toxicity out of your life before your mental state deteriorates.

Please note that even though I am and will be talking from a female perspective in a heterosexual relationship, both men and women can be victims of it and they can happen in all types of relationships.

I’m going to talk about the signs that you’re in a TR but also the positives of getting out.

Do they make you feel guilty about innocent things? Such as wearing certain clothing and spending time with other friends? This is NOT ok. Do you find yourself apologising for having feelings because they upset you yet made you look like the bad guy? NOT ok. Do you feel like you’re isolated, spending time with only them yet they can do whatever they want, see whoever they want? NOT OK. I spent a lot of time apologising because I was told i should “hide my feelings because it might upset that person” but that’s not okay. It drove me into a self harming state where I was then told i was “pathetic”. Crying in front of people meant that I was “attention seeking”. WRONG. A lot of this is control and it’s 100% not ok.

You need to be able to voice you concerns, your feelings, anything. If you can’t do so without feeling bad or without being belittled then that’s not a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships include communication, and being able to talk to each other without an issue and coming to understandings. In a friendship, if you feel your friend is being out of line you should be able to say so without it being turned round back onto you. Same in a relationship and your s/o should care enough for you to do this.

Thankfully I have not experienced a physically toxic relationship but there are plenty around. If you do not feel safe with that person then you need to find your escape. I know sometimes it can be scary but you need to find someone to reach out to and they will help. I also understand that sometimes in a relationship that is psychologically unhealthy it is hard to walk away because you feel like you need someone and they always know just the right thing to say to make you stay. Trust me, you don’t need them. You feel like if you leave you’ll feel alone and you’re not prepared to feel like that. You know that when the times are bad they’re awful but when they’re good, they’re amazing and that’s what you hold onto but you need to think more about the negative side because you need to put yourself first. Being alone and feeling alone can be horrible yes but once you push through that stage (and you will because you’re strong) you will feel so much better. You’ll start to love yourself when you didn’t before because of how little they made you feel. You’ll find happiness in yourself and then you can, not find happiness in someone else , but share your happiness with someone else. You need to stop the want and need to repair the relationship and accept that it’s not good for you, always put yourself and your mental state first.

Another sign is fighting, yes of course every kind of relationships has its quarrels but when it gets to the point where it’s constant and about the tiniest things, that’s when it’s abnormal. When you feel like everything you do causes an argument because it’s “not okay” that’s a problem. Walk away. The best thing for you to do is walk away, no matter how hard.

The most obvious one is that you’re miserable, all the time. You’ll pretend like your relationship is going amazing to other people but behind closed walls you’re down, sad, walking on eggshells to avoid another argument. Sometimes you’ll be happy because you’ll have that one good day that’s amazing but then it’s back to the same routine.

No one is worth wrecking your mental state over. No matter how much you love them or think you love them, you need to cut ties to any negativity to help you live your best life. If they cared the same way they wouldn’t treat you the way they do. It’s the actions of people that show how they feel, remember that.

Please put yourself first, if you need help please seek it, there’s so many people that will help if you reach out. I’m here to talk to anyone too.

Thank you

S x

twitter: @_omgsxph

Let’s Talk: Mental Health

Hello everyone! Something different this time. I’ve decided that, although I love makeup and all things beauty related, beauty isn’t an ‘important’ topic. I’m going to be posting “let’s talk” posts at least once a week, I hope, on topics that people can hopefully relate to. Today’s one is as it says in the title, mental health.

I can’t begin to express just how important having good mental health is. People seem to not care about it because it’s not physical and you “cant see it”. In reality you can see it, if you actually pay attention to those around you and realise what you are seeing, you can see it so easily and this is what we need to do more.

That boy who throws up when he’s in a group of people he doesn’t really know? He’s suffering with severe anxiety. That girl who seems “moody”, “anti social”, tired and “out of it”? She’s suffering form depression and is likely feeling like she’s all alone. People ignore these signs but they’re the ones we need to look out for.

As a sufferer of both depression and anxiety I know how overwhelming it can feel and just how lonely it can feel at the same time. I’m thankful I have a level of anxiety I can cope with, I just get anxious of the REALLY silly things like playing games in front of people. But these aren’t irrational and it’s important to remember that just because you don’t see the reason to be worried, doesn’t mean its an irrational fear. Don’t make someone feel little about something they feel is a big deal.

As for depression, there’s so many small signs you can look out for in someone to know whether they may have it or not. Knowing them means you can offer help or be someone they can talk to. It can be incredibly hard for a sufferer to just go about their daily lives. They’ll often find it hard to get out of bed for reason they can’t explain and when they do it’s a great accomplishment to them. Here’s a few things to look out for in your loved ones and nearest and dearest:

• being down and withdrawn

• constantly tired

• irritable

• lack of motivation (usually to do with getting out of bed or doing daily things such as showering)

• seeming “zoned out”

• losing interest in things that usually make them happy

• low sex drive

• change in eating habits (overeating or losing appetite)

As for anxiety signs, they’re different for different people but the common ones are panic attacks and feeling/being sick.

Having a mental health problem is often just as bad as having a physical health problem and some people are suffering a lot more, finding it a lot harder to come out of it. Many believe that death is the only way out. If you look out for the signs, listen to people and provide support you can make someone life a much less lonely place. However, do not let someone with poor mental health manipulate you into thinking you have to revolve around them otherwise they’ll hurt themselves. This will only bring you down too.

Just look, listen and let’s end the stigma and drop the suicide statistics.

Thank you

Sincerely, S x

New Year, Better Me!

HELLO everyone! Happy new year, hope everyone is well and had a good end to 2017. It is me, I am back after having a very long time off to sort myself out and you know what? I am feeling amazing for it! I can not stress enough how important your mental health is so if you need to take that time for yourself then do it, you’ll feel so so much better for it! 

I am so happy to be back and very excited to have been placed on the shortlist to work with some brands which has led to a very exciting opportunity for me but i’ll talk more about that in my next post…no spoilers yet!

Anyways this was just a small post to let you all know i am back and creating new content so..

Watch this space!

 

Sincerely, S x