Grief

Hey there, I know its been a hella long time, mainly because i WAS planning on starting up youtube, but then my stupid low self-esteem and life got in the way. I still plan to start-up my channel and will be doing so in the next few weeks but for now, here’s a little post of grief.

My nan passed on April 26th this year, completely sudden, no illnesses, no reason to prepare ourselves, nothing. Anyone who knows me, knows that my nan was my absolute idol, I adored her. I was closer to her than anyone else in my family and i loved her so so so dearly. When i found out she had passed i was actually really ill, I’d lost my voice. But boy did i find it again, screaming, crying, trying to comfort my mum down the phone. The worst time of my life so far, easily. I was even the one who had to break it to my brother, who was actually nearly the one who found her dead. Anyone who has lost a close one knows how hard it really is, and of course everyone deals with it differently.

For me, I couldn’t cope, i couldn’t function. Non stop crying and sinking into the worst place i could be mentally but at the same time wanted to stand strong because of my mum and my younger sister. For my brother it meant seeming fine, but taking anger out on things when he was away from us (he’s autistic and has adhd) so the first thing i want to say about grieving is that just because someone seems ok, it really doesn’t mean that they are. I wanted to be around my family for about a week, only left their house to go home and sleep and then i was straight back in the morning, helping plan, helping out where i can. Crying every time i was home.

To cope with these heavy emotions I decided to focus on my uni deadline which was a week after i found out, because she’d want me to do well, i then came up with a summer project to keep myself busy and so i started to paint. I never painted properly before, hated it in school but i found these relatively good skills as i started top paint her favourite bird, Puffins. Keeping my mind busy helped but it didn’t stop the overwhelming tears that came when night fell. I think the best advice i could give to someone who’s grieving is to just accept it, accept your feelings, let it out because if you bottle it up it’ll only build and build and then come out in a bad wave later on in life. Talk to people, tell them how you feel, they will validate your feelings and make sure you know it’s ok to feel how you do, stay away from people who don’t do this.

I also designed the funeral order of service for her and for people to take home and keep, this made me feel better because I felt like i was doing one last good thing for her.

There are so many resources and sites you can use as well, there’s always someone there to help with your grieving, reach out. Lastly, don’t let people tell you how to deal with it, not everyone can work through it, not everyone heals by keeping busy, some people need time to let it sink in and heal. Do whats best for you.

-S x

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The Jonbenet Case: Part 2

Hi guys I’m back with the second part of The Jonbenet Ramsey case, I really misinterpreted how much there was to cover last time! So for anyone who missed it because the post kinda flopped in views and likes, we covered the first main parts. Those being the letter, the phone call and the autopsy.

So for today we are going to start of with some other key evidence that the investigators found. Investigators found several other key pieces of evidence at the surrounding crime scene. Firstly the police report stated there were several open windows and at least one open door in the house that night, this would have made it incredibly easier for a potential intruder to get in. There was also a broken window in the basement that could not be properly closed. This is one of the most likely points of entry to what would become the crime scene. However, knowledge of this broken window was not made available until a year after the murder, probably due to the fact every believed that the Ramsey’s were the perpetrators and didn’t need to gain entry into their own home. I also remember them saying in the documentary that in the window was an untouched cobweb, which of course would not have still be intact if an adult had gone through the window, especially considering the size of the window and the very few amount of possible ways to fit through (non of which wouldn’t have disturbed the cobweb.

It has also been shared that the house was covered in thick carpets, therefore making it easier for a possible intruder to enter and leave quietly without waking the household.

Next, the autopsy showed that Jonbenet had pieces of pineapple in her digestive system at her time of death but the Ramseys claim to never have given her any. On the contrary Burke’s fingerprints were found on a bowl in the kitchen which, yep you guessed it, had pineapple in. Though the , Ramseys argued that Burke was ‘asleep’ during the event of the kidnap/murder. The massive difference between the Ramseys statements and the evidence provides more doubts that they innocent (if you hadn’t guessed already, my bet is and always has been on the brother) Two main theories at this point were that the Ramseys committed the crime themselves or that they staged the whole kidnapping situation to cover up and protect their son. Police also found a broken paintbrush in the basement’s boiler room,the other piece of the paintbrush was used to create the garrote. pieces of broken glass and scuff marks  were found around the broken window in basement. There are fingerprints, hand-prints, and a boot print that have still not been identified as a match to the Ramseys or any of the over 400 people who have been investigated, leaving the intruder theory open.

Thirdly, investigators have said that they believe JonBenet knew her killer so trusted them enough to leave her bedroom, possibly lured out with the promise of pineapple. This is understandable as it’s a common factor in child abduction cases, in most cases the child does know the person or they trust them because they’re a public safety figure like policemen or teachers or bus drivers etc. It’s also a known fact that the Ramseys enjoyed throwing parties and as it was the holidays season there would’ve been plenty of them with many friends and family that Jonbenet would’ve known and trusted.  The killer could have potentially been any one of them. Despite this, the three immediate family members remained the focus but were never named as suspects to the public. All three of them were questioned by investigators, and had to submit handwriting samples to compared to the ransom note. Both John and Burke were cleared of suspicion of writing the note, but Patsy could not be cleared.

The case slowly began running cold, the Ramseys made countless media appearances to try to clear their names of the crime. multiple grand jury’s were held but none of them lead to any charges being made, however in 2013 some court documents were pulled forward that showed back in 1999 the Grand Jury had actually voted to charge Jonbenets parents for child abuse that resulted in her death but the district attorney refused to sign the paperwork, claiming there was a lack of sufficient evidence. As the case grew colder,investigators were slowly assigned new cases whilst the paperwork was moved into storage. The District Attorney’s office then announced that they had run out of the $500,000 that they were given to solve the case, stating they would not be reapplying for more.

I’m going to make this a 3 parter so I’ll upload the last few bits the week coming. Whats your opinion so far? If you’re interested in this case you should watch the JonBenet case documentary that BBC did, I believe it’s on YouTube, there’s also a ‘Casting JonBenet’ on Netflix i believe.

 

-S x

The TMI Tag with Soph

Hello, its me again back with another post, however I thought I’d mix it up a tad and do something a little different. I used to see everyone on youtube doing this Tag or the ‘Get To Know Me’ one so i thought, why not do a written version ay? Below will be 60 questions and my real answers to them, no cheating happening i swear!

Enjoy Reading!

  1. What is your biggest turn off in a person? – probably ill manors and no hygiene. Also homophobic/racist views is a NO go.
  2. What is your biggest turn on in a person? being able to make me laugh, same taste as me, smelling good is triple points.
  3. Are you like your zodiac sign suggests that you should be? – yaaaaas literally 100%. I’m a Leo and I’ve never related to anything more than what my star sign suggests it is.
  4. At what age did you realize Santa was not real? – I think i was probably like 8
  5. At what age did you have your first sexual experience? -15 I think
  6. At what age did you have your first kiss? – I think proper kiss would be 14 but i had those childhood pecks most people go through.
  7. At what age did you have your first crush? Who was it? can’t remember the age but I had a massive crush on the guy that plays peter pan lol
  8. What is the best compliment you have ever received? that I have a good personality, makes me smile every time
  9. What is the biggest lie you ever told? I’m not actually sure tbh I’ve never told massive lies only rubbish little ones.
  10. Do you hate anyone right now? – I wouldn’t say hate but I strongly dislike a few
  11. Do you have any hidden piercing’s? If yes, where? no, I’m such a saint
  12. Do you have any tattoos? If yes what do they mean? yes, three, and they don’t mean anything I just thought they’d be cute at the time
  13. Do you miss anyone right now? – yas
  14. Do you smoke? – nope
  15. To your knowledge, have you ever been cheated on? – yes I have lol
  16. Have you ever been in a physical fight? – not that I can think of
  17. Have you ever been in a relationship? – yes
  18. Have you ever been in love? – unfortunately yes
  19. Have you ever been loved by someone you didn’t love back? –not that I’m aware of??
  20. Have you ever loved someone who didn’t love you back? – yep
  21. Have you ever been betrayed by someone you care about? – I feel like i have but can’t think of the exact time or what happened
  22. Have you ever catfished anyone? – this made me laugh but no I have not
  23. Have you ever cried over a lover?– hasn’t everyone?
  24. Have you ever dated someone you met online? – no , thank god
  25. Have you ever given or received a hickey? – much to my despair, yes to the latter
  26. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? – ugh yas
  27. Have you ever kissed a non-family member on the lips? – of course
  28. Have you ever kissed for more than two hours consecutively? – ew no, who does that?!
  29. Have you ever kissed or been kissed on the breast? – been, yes
  30. Have you ever kissed someone below the belt? – yes lol
  31. Have you ever lead a person on? – not that I’m aware of but I’m super sorry if I have.
  32. Have you ever lied to get out of trouble? – of course, don’t we all do that?
  33. Have you ever liked a person your friend was dating? – deffo not
  34. Have you ever masturbated to a picture or video? – nope
  35. Have you ever played a game involving stripping? – nope
  36. Have you ever used somebody for your personal gain? – nope, don’t think so anyways
  37. Have your ever been heart-broken? – oh boy, yes
  38. How far have you gone to get something you desired? not very
  39. How many relationships have you had? -2 proper ones
  40. What do you weigh? – ugh god knows, I don’t wanna know
  41. How tall are you? – about 5 ft 4
  42. If applicable, when did you lose your virginity?  – just after my 16th birthday
  43. If you could bring back a person from the dead who would you bring back? – my granddad
  44. If you could choose one Disney prince to marry who would you choose? – that’s a tough one, i genuinely don’t know
  45. If you could choose one Disney princess to be your best friend who would you chose? – anna
  46. If you could get married to any celebrity who would it be? – Jensen Ackles
  47. If you could, what would you change about your first kiss? – the person
  48. If you had to live in the world of the last T.V show you watched where would you be living? whatever world american horror story hotel is, LOVE IT
  49. When was the last time you insulted someone? – I honestly don’t remember
  50. When was the last time you were insulted? – literally yesterday, after being called less pretty than someone, not funny and also told that I wasn’t dedicated to my job
  51. Mention a movie that always makes you cry? – happy feet, don’t ask lmao
  52. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest, how horny are you? right now? 1
  53. What is the scariest thing you have ever experienced? I once witnessed someone trying to commit suicide by jumping in front of cars
  54. What color of underwear are you wearing right now? white
  55. What do you think about the most? dogs probably
  56. What do you think is your sexiest feature? I get compliments on my butt quite a lot
  57. What is a disgusting habit you have? –picking the skin on my fingers
  58. What is a relationship deal breaker for you? – control, rules, not being monogamous
  59. What is your relationship with your parents like? – very hit and miss, sometimes we get on really well and other times we wont speak for months
  60. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? – oh god yes

So there you have it! 60 random facts about me, i hope you all enjoy reading it and i’ll be back with another post very soon!

Sincerely, S x

Twitter – @_omgsxph

Instagram- @_heyitssophiee_

Depression, Stress,Anxiety and A possible eating disorder? Lets talk.

*possible triggering content, please do not read if you’re vulnerable to triggers*
So i know i don’t post as regularly as i should and trust me that makes me feel BAD but i work a lot and when i’m not working i just like to chill…plus the fact that i struggle to actually think of blog content that people might actually want to read. Anyways we’re about to get REAL. No statistical facts, no stereotypical views. Just real life experiences from my life with depression anxiety and all the rest.
Lets start with the big D, calm your filthy minds, I’m talking about depression. Yes i know I’ve already done 2 posts about it, how dare I, but its something that isn’t spoken about enough so here i am talking about it a little more. Let’s start with the basics, depression is not feeling sad because you broke a nail, it’s not being upset because your pet passed away. In fact, those of us that are depressed don’t really feel all that sad at all. I feel numb, an awful sensation of nothingness flowing through my veins, i stare off without realising and then struggle to actually refocus. I feel like everyone around me is moving fast and i’m stuck, not moving at all. It’s easy to smile through this and pretend things are OK, i’m getting good at that now. Then there’s the struggle of actually pursuing the day, getting out of bed, washing, getting dressed can seem like a marathon that isn’t worth running. Some days everything is easy, i can feel again then others days its a fast and hard crash. I feel nothing, but i want to feel something and at the lowest point that’s when i hurt myself. To feel. I won’t go into detail but just know that those of us that have self harmed for reasons other than to gain attention, we feel nothing but guilt after, so we don’t need you to add to that. I believe i have something more than depression, i can be hyper emotional and become overwhelmed with too many emotions and it becomes a real struggle to function. Thankfully i haven’t experienced that lately, i’m in a great place with great, supportive people around me. I’m Ok, in my sense of the words.
Next is stress, i think some people don’t realise that stress can make you ill, it can make you sick, give you headaches and just knock your immune system down. You have to learn what your calming technique is, whether its taking a walk, taking a break from social media, reading a book or doing yoga. TAKE A BREAK. Nothing in this world is worth deteriorating your health for. I’ve had literal mental breakdowns from stress and it’s really not nice. You cant sleep, eat or chill because all you can think about is the thing your stressing about and it drives you insane. So believe me when i say, you need to take that step back.
A is for Anxiety, i’m thankful to say that my anxiety is only mild, but unfortunately its over the smallest, most insignificant things. For example, in my job i have to spend all day talking to customers, answering the phone to people and doing tannoy calls over the shop when i need someone, but when it comes to having to do a tannoy announcement that’s longer than a few words like i’m used to, i physically can not do it, i freeze up and feel like i’m about to throw up. Or when i need to make a phone else where i just cant, it sucks and i wish my brain didn’t work the way it does but don’t we all? Then there’s cooking, i cant bring myself to cook when there’s other people around me other than my mum, weird right? So when my boyfriend is over i just wont eat unless he decides to cook, and i house share so if the others are around i just wont do it, my brain wont let me. I know there’s people out there with much worse conditions of anxiety than me and i know its easier said than done but what i found helps me best is to just force myself to do it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t but you don’t know until you try and you feel so much better if it does work.
Now for the self diagnosed possibility of an eating disorder. I’m not encouraging people to google search there symptoms and diagnose themselves but having previously been on the very edge of one, i know the signs and they’re flashing at me. Now i don’t know if i have body dismorphic disorder, an eating disorder, both or nothing but i’m just gunna share my story. I’ve always been obsessed with my figure and my weight and i had a lot of ‘puppy’ fat when i was younger but i believe this to be the route of my depression, i got to a stage where the only meal i ate was dinner and it wasn’t a big plate. I became skinny, i was happy with myself but i wasn’t healthy, i had blackouts i was underweight and i turned down food i knew would make me gain weight. I was borderline anorexic. I then slowly ate more, gained weight, got to a healthy weight and then started to go past that stage and ended up in the same position as i was in before i lost all the weight. Unhappy, disgusted by myself and looking at food and only seeing ‘i’m gunna make you fat’. That’s where i am now, I can’t bare to see myself in the mirror, i have to either not look or cover them up. I wont wear t-shirts in public, only baggy jumpers regardless of the weather and temperature, because they show my arms and my figure too much. I wont take food because i feel guilty after eating but then sometimes i’ll binge eat crap and feel bad about it later on. Its really hard for me to explain to people just how upset it makes me and how tiring it actually is to feel like this. It’s so emotionally draining. I don’t even know if the way i see myself is actually how i am anymore because sometimes i see myself and a walking dumpling and others as a victoria’s secret model. Its a battle i have with myself everyday and i’m losing. I pray that no one has to go through these feelings but sadly i know that there’s many who do.

Please seek help, and if you’re not the one struggling then keep an eye out for those around you. Some of us are really good at pretending we’re okay.
I’ve started a fundraiser for a young suicide prevention organisation if anyone wants to get involved. I’ll post the link below 🙂

Sincerely, S x

New Year, Better Me!

HELLO everyone! Happy new year, hope everyone is well and had a good end to 2017. It is me, I am back after having a very long time off to sort myself out and you know what? I am feeling amazing for it! I can not stress enough how important your mental health is so if you need to take that time for yourself then do it, you’ll feel so so much better for it! 

I am so happy to be back and very excited to have been placed on the shortlist to work with some brands which has led to a very exciting opportunity for me but i’ll talk more about that in my next post…no spoilers yet!

Anyways this was just a small post to let you all know i am back and creating new content so..

Watch this space!

 

Sincerely, S x

How to relax after a long/hard day

Hello my lovelies! Hope you’re all having a fab week! Today’s post is about relaxing after a long or hard day. Everyone needs to relax every now and then so here are 5 ways you can do just that!

  1. I’ll start of with how i relax, I’ll usually come home put on some comfy chilling clothes and make a cup of tea. Especially in the winter months, a hot cup of tea and comfy clothes is a nice way to just relax in the evenings. I also light a scented candles because candles make me feel more relaxed and the smell are really nice too.
  2. Have a warm/hot shower or bath, take your time and then get into comfort clothes and take a nap or just relax in bed or on the sofa.
  3. Sit down for the evening and watch your favourite show or movie, either by yourself or with your friend/partner. Seems simple but it is a really good way to unwind.
  4. Colouring, you’ve probably all seen those adult colouring books that everyone loves, right? They are actually really good stress relievers. I often colour in the evenings and it really does help relax me.
  5. Meditate, i don’t do this personally, but meditation is a widely known way of relaxing, i would recommend just giving it a try!

So these are 5 ways i thought of, that you could relax after a long or hard day. Feel free to comment below if your have your own ways that other people could try!

Also my Q&A requests are still open i’ve only been asked 2 questions so would love some more from you guys!

Sincerely, S x

100 Followers?!

Hello everybody! Hope your Saturday is going well, I’m currently moving into my boyfriends house and organising our room so right now i’m actually just taking a quick break from that because believe me it’s so much hard work!

I am so happy to see that I’ve finally reached 100 followers! My very first goal and milestone is complete and i have all of you to thank for that, so thank you so much for following, reading and commenting it all means a lot! I know on twitter and bloglovin i have over 100 but I’ve finally reached 100 on here which is more important to me!

Again, thank you all so much for the support it means so much! 🙂

Sincerely, S x