Grief

Hey there, I know its been a hella long time, mainly because i WAS planning on starting up youtube, but then my stupid low self-esteem and life got in the way. I still plan to start-up my channel and will be doing so in the next few weeks but for now, here’s a little post of grief.

My nan passed on April 26th this year, completely sudden, no illnesses, no reason to prepare ourselves, nothing. Anyone who knows me, knows that my nan was my absolute idol, I adored her. I was closer to her than anyone else in my family and i loved her so so so dearly. When i found out she had passed i was actually really ill, I’d lost my voice. But boy did i find it again, screaming, crying, trying to comfort my mum down the phone. The worst time of my life so far, easily. I was even the one who had to break it to my brother, who was actually nearly the one who found her dead. Anyone who has lost a close one knows how hard it really is, and of course everyone deals with it differently.

For me, I couldn’t cope, i couldn’t function. Non stop crying and sinking into the worst place i could be mentally but at the same time wanted to stand strong because of my mum and my younger sister. For my brother it meant seeming fine, but taking anger out on things when he was away from us (he’s autistic and has adhd) so the first thing i want to say about grieving is that just because someone seems ok, it really doesn’t mean that they are. I wanted to be around my family for about a week, only left their house to go home and sleep and then i was straight back in the morning, helping plan, helping out where i can. Crying every time i was home.

To cope with these heavy emotions I decided to focus on my uni deadline which was a week after i found out, because she’d want me to do well, i then came up with a summer project to keep myself busy and so i started to paint. I never painted properly before, hated it in school but i found these relatively good skills as i started top paint her favourite bird, Puffins. Keeping my mind busy helped but it didn’t stop the overwhelming tears that came when night fell. I think the best advice i could give to someone who’s grieving is to just accept it, accept your feelings, let it out because if you bottle it up it’ll only build and build and then come out in a bad wave later on in life. Talk to people, tell them how you feel, they will validate your feelings and make sure you know it’s ok to feel how you do, stay away from people who don’t do this.

I also designed the funeral order of service for her and for people to take home and keep, this made me feel better because I felt like i was doing one last good thing for her.

There are so many resources and sites you can use as well, there’s always someone there to help with your grieving, reach out. Lastly, don’t let people tell you how to deal with it, not everyone can work through it, not everyone heals by keeping busy, some people need time to let it sink in and heal. Do whats best for you.

-S x

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Depression, Stress,Anxiety and A possible eating disorder? Lets talk.

*possible triggering content, please do not read if you’re vulnerable to triggers*
So i know i don’t post as regularly as i should and trust me that makes me feel BAD but i work a lot and when i’m not working i just like to chill…plus the fact that i struggle to actually think of blog content that people might actually want to read. Anyways we’re about to get REAL. No statistical facts, no stereotypical views. Just real life experiences from my life with depression anxiety and all the rest.
Lets start with the big D, calm your filthy minds, I’m talking about depression. Yes i know I’ve already done 2 posts about it, how dare I, but its something that isn’t spoken about enough so here i am talking about it a little more. Let’s start with the basics, depression is not feeling sad because you broke a nail, it’s not being upset because your pet passed away. In fact, those of us that are depressed don’t really feel all that sad at all. I feel numb, an awful sensation of nothingness flowing through my veins, i stare off without realising and then struggle to actually refocus. I feel like everyone around me is moving fast and i’m stuck, not moving at all. It’s easy to smile through this and pretend things are OK, i’m getting good at that now. Then there’s the struggle of actually pursuing the day, getting out of bed, washing, getting dressed can seem like a marathon that isn’t worth running. Some days everything is easy, i can feel again then others days its a fast and hard crash. I feel nothing, but i want to feel something and at the lowest point that’s when i hurt myself. To feel. I won’t go into detail but just know that those of us that have self harmed for reasons other than to gain attention, we feel nothing but guilt after, so we don’t need you to add to that. I believe i have something more than depression, i can be hyper emotional and become overwhelmed with too many emotions and it becomes a real struggle to function. Thankfully i haven’t experienced that lately, i’m in a great place with great, supportive people around me. I’m Ok, in my sense of the words.
Next is stress, i think some people don’t realise that stress can make you ill, it can make you sick, give you headaches and just knock your immune system down. You have to learn what your calming technique is, whether its taking a walk, taking a break from social media, reading a book or doing yoga. TAKE A BREAK. Nothing in this world is worth deteriorating your health for. I’ve had literal mental breakdowns from stress and it’s really not nice. You cant sleep, eat or chill because all you can think about is the thing your stressing about and it drives you insane. So believe me when i say, you need to take that step back.
A is for Anxiety, i’m thankful to say that my anxiety is only mild, but unfortunately its over the smallest, most insignificant things. For example, in my job i have to spend all day talking to customers, answering the phone to people and doing tannoy calls over the shop when i need someone, but when it comes to having to do a tannoy announcement that’s longer than a few words like i’m used to, i physically can not do it, i freeze up and feel like i’m about to throw up. Or when i need to make a phone else where i just cant, it sucks and i wish my brain didn’t work the way it does but don’t we all? Then there’s cooking, i cant bring myself to cook when there’s other people around me other than my mum, weird right? So when my boyfriend is over i just wont eat unless he decides to cook, and i house share so if the others are around i just wont do it, my brain wont let me. I know there’s people out there with much worse conditions of anxiety than me and i know its easier said than done but what i found helps me best is to just force myself to do it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t but you don’t know until you try and you feel so much better if it does work.
Now for the self diagnosed possibility of an eating disorder. I’m not encouraging people to google search there symptoms and diagnose themselves but having previously been on the very edge of one, i know the signs and they’re flashing at me. Now i don’t know if i have body dismorphic disorder, an eating disorder, both or nothing but i’m just gunna share my story. I’ve always been obsessed with my figure and my weight and i had a lot of ‘puppy’ fat when i was younger but i believe this to be the route of my depression, i got to a stage where the only meal i ate was dinner and it wasn’t a big plate. I became skinny, i was happy with myself but i wasn’t healthy, i had blackouts i was underweight and i turned down food i knew would make me gain weight. I was borderline anorexic. I then slowly ate more, gained weight, got to a healthy weight and then started to go past that stage and ended up in the same position as i was in before i lost all the weight. Unhappy, disgusted by myself and looking at food and only seeing ‘i’m gunna make you fat’. That’s where i am now, I can’t bare to see myself in the mirror, i have to either not look or cover them up. I wont wear t-shirts in public, only baggy jumpers regardless of the weather and temperature, because they show my arms and my figure too much. I wont take food because i feel guilty after eating but then sometimes i’ll binge eat crap and feel bad about it later on. Its really hard for me to explain to people just how upset it makes me and how tiring it actually is to feel like this. It’s so emotionally draining. I don’t even know if the way i see myself is actually how i am anymore because sometimes i see myself and a walking dumpling and others as a victoria’s secret model. Its a battle i have with myself everyday and i’m losing. I pray that no one has to go through these feelings but sadly i know that there’s many who do.

Please seek help, and if you’re not the one struggling then keep an eye out for those around you. Some of us are really good at pretending we’re okay.
I’ve started a fundraiser for a young suicide prevention organisation if anyone wants to get involved. I’ll post the link below 🙂

Sincerely, S x

New Year, Better Me!

HELLO everyone! Happy new year, hope everyone is well and had a good end to 2017. It is me, I am back after having a very long time off to sort myself out and you know what? I am feeling amazing for it! I can not stress enough how important your mental health is so if you need to take that time for yourself then do it, you’ll feel so so much better for it! 

I am so happy to be back and very excited to have been placed on the shortlist to work with some brands which has led to a very exciting opportunity for me but i’ll talk more about that in my next post…no spoilers yet!

Anyways this was just a small post to let you all know i am back and creating new content so..

Watch this space!

 

Sincerely, S x

How to relax after a long/hard day

Hello my lovelies! Hope you’re all having a fab week! Today’s post is about relaxing after a long or hard day. Everyone needs to relax every now and then so here are 5 ways you can do just that!

  1. I’ll start of with how i relax, I’ll usually come home put on some comfy chilling clothes and make a cup of tea. Especially in the winter months, a hot cup of tea and comfy clothes is a nice way to just relax in the evenings. I also light a scented candles because candles make me feel more relaxed and the smell are really nice too.
  2. Have a warm/hot shower or bath, take your time and then get into comfort clothes and take a nap or just relax in bed or on the sofa.
  3. Sit down for the evening and watch your favourite show or movie, either by yourself or with your friend/partner. Seems simple but it is a really good way to unwind.
  4. Colouring, you’ve probably all seen those adult colouring books that everyone loves, right? They are actually really good stress relievers. I often colour in the evenings and it really does help relax me.
  5. Meditate, i don’t do this personally, but meditation is a widely known way of relaxing, i would recommend just giving it a try!

So these are 5 ways i thought of, that you could relax after a long or hard day. Feel free to comment below if your have your own ways that other people could try!

Also my Q&A requests are still open i’ve only been asked 2 questions so would love some more from you guys!

Sincerely, S x

100 Followers?!

Hello everybody! Hope your Saturday is going well, I’m currently moving into my boyfriends house and organising our room so right now i’m actually just taking a quick break from that because believe me it’s so much hard work!

I am so happy to see that I’ve finally reached 100 followers! My very first goal and milestone is complete and i have all of you to thank for that, so thank you so much for following, reading and commenting it all means a lot! I know on twitter and bloglovin i have over 100 but I’ve finally reached 100 on here which is more important to me!

Again, thank you all so much for the support it means so much! 🙂

Sincerely, S x

Joys of Halloween

I think the thing I like best about Halloween is the fact that for one night you can be whoever or whatever you like, you can leave all your problems behind. Once you put the mask on, the make up on and the costume they can all go away because you’re not yourself. I like it. Stress free, care free and problems free. 

I feel like this helps those who have social problems like anxiety because they don’t have to show that they’re them. They don’t need to feel awkward because they can think as though they’re this strong and out there person. 

These are just my thoughts, what do you guys think? 

Sincerely, S x